delivery

the ups delivery guy rapped on the finger fairy’s windowsill, intent on handing over the package. the finger fairy groaned:

- it’s ten at night, mate, and i certainly didn’t order anything. business is slow lately. mostly loansharks and mobsters, since leprosy is no longer a major thing.

- uhm, good evening, madam, i have a package to deliver and a very cryptic note: instead of a recipient, it says ~To a fairytale-like being!~

- yeah and you thought that i’m sorta like a tooth fairy innit?

- something like that, ye~

- piss off, ya cunt, send it to ya mother, and her fairytale of a fat arse!

her next door neighbor heard the racket and cracked open his front door:

- hey, mate, you might wanna try sleeping good personality, she lives in the tower 3 streets over.

- ah, thanks so much, it’s so late and i really got to get home to the missus; thanks a lot. uhm… ,

- gore. i am gore. not quite an ogre. i’d shake yer hand, mate, but you might get spooked. go on, then.

- right. off i go, then.

up in sleeping good personality’s tower, the ups dude encountered an issue, as she had to be awoken only by a coherent, powerful discourse touching on the most ethically gnarly aspects of a sociological nature, or so it said on her bedside plaque.

he convinced himself she was ugly anyways, said bugger, and left.

on his way back, he took another route and wound up in a minuscule forest, where he came across a medium-sized, affable animal belonging to the canidae family. as the animal did not pose any threat nor had it eaten any children and/or grandmothers lately, the ups guy said hello, did not wait for the creature to respond, and moved on.

the package yawned. the trees laughed. it was all fine and dandy.

the path/street no 2 was winding brusquely, yet the ups guy had no qualms with this. he was either used to this happening frequently or he genuinely didn’t give a hoot anymore.

from the right side of the path there came a cohort of seven people wielding pickaxes and singing something along the lines of I Hoe, I Hoe, I Scoff I Twerk I Hoe. the ups guy stopped to greet them, and chanced to ask them who they were.

- we’re the seven dwarf giants.

- meaning you’re regular-sized people?

- meaning vertically-challenged giants.

the package sighed a long, despondent sigh, grew feet and started wagging them with boredom.

back in front of the finger fairy’s house there had grown a beanstalk. not wasting any time, the ups guy took out a microscope with clean slides and a scalpel, determined to properly examine the beanstalk and its nature. it was soybean, as all the beans he had cut off were shouting at him desperately. it checked out.

he had no idea why he did that; he decided he’d better head home to the missus and try again the next day.

on his way home he passed another high, ominous tower, whence long, dark locks of hair hung almost to the ground. it was rastapunzel’s crib and a heavy dankness swirled around it like a gigantic cosmic nebula. the ups guy decided he’d skip this one too.

in front of the ups delivery guy’s house, the package went hooray! and tore itself open. it was a framed picture of the ups guy and his wife on their honeymoon, at the smouldering person festival. overjoyed, he rushed to bed and kissed the missus.

- happy anniversary, honey!

- happy anniversary, dumbass.

Originally published at http://trepanatie.wordpress.com on June 11, 2019.